Today's Stock Market News and Analysis. CLOSEXPlease confirm your selection. You have selected to change your default setting for the Quote Search. This will now be your default target page. Are you sure you want to change your settings? The dark side of antidepressants. Hey Mimi ?So by the looks of things you feel the same way as me for the Xmas holidays : (. I really hope that the new year brings you much more happiness and success. Keep your chin up and keep going, as you say it been a year since your last slither…way to go…keep plugging ahead ? I haven’t been posting, but I have been reading. I don’t know why, I think I still worry about airing my feelings publicly. As you know my illness since having the boys 2. Guess that’s all to do with believing and feeling, failure, weak, moaner, miserable person feelings – hence pretending 2. I’m a bubbly happy carefree in public! So tired of it all. When I think how successful I was in my career and now I fear going to get a loaf of bread, heavens forbid having to ask for it to be sliced! Update: Kritische Lücke in Microsoft Windows ermöglicht DoS / Remote Code Execution via SMB - Updates nun verfügbar 3. Februar 2017 Update 15. Get the latest news and analysis in the stock market today, including national and world stock market news, business news, financial news and more. Eerie occurrence but again I am not surprised. Wolter has the profile of the average pseudo intellectual hooligan. Fake academic credential,ominous ego-centrism, over. Anyway I’m sad that we all loose out, that we all feel like ( so want to use a swear word here coz that’s the only to describe it)… Feel like yuk! Have to pretend and pretend and can’t express or say what we really want to, I hate it hate it and I’m sorry you feel this too. Here I am sitting in the garden, nice sunny day, dog next to me, my boys are doing their thing, my husband is unfortunately still overseas, and I’m home now, but he is ok. On the verge of tears again. Arghhhhh! And if you hadn’t asked Mimi for someone to reply, I’d just read it all again, got sad and felt crap and done nothing. So here I am mimi, I also have a glass of wine…pretty naff one, but I chose to drink that one as its disgusting and I won’t drink it too quick! Being home I thought would make me happy! Wrong! I spent the first week before Christmas out in the garden five hours a day clearing up, sawing, hacking, digging, basically exhausting myself in the hot sun crying away and getting angrier and angrier, when that was finished I’d start on something else, the shed, the garage, build some kitchen cupboards angrily, hack away at the wood with a blunt saw, just because I couldn’t be bothered to go get the nice one! Getting angrier and faster and deeper into misery, Still crying and hating everything. My answer to the boys when they said mum you’re overdoing it, calm down, sit down rest up, have a cuppa, just made me madder, my answer was I need to get it all done, then I’ll know it’s done and then can relax. Yeah right, they know me, I’ll find something else to do. Does anyone else find themselves avoiding relaxation? Saying that, I don’t want to get up in the morning, I want to stay in my bed on my own, but I need to know that the house, kids, dogs, cars, washing, garden is all done. I always feel bad, so bad and guilty, Even if I do do it or I don’t do It, doesn’t make sense. My husband always says, this doesn’t need to be done, the house is clean, the leaves can wait, go read, chill, relax, but I don’t, I don’t get why, I want to, but I don’t enjoy it, so what’s the point, my mind doesn’t stop, I feel lazy, I fear getting fatter, sitting on my ever expanding rear end. I don’t even pick up a book to read now. Don’t watch tv, rarely listen to music just in case a song comes on that for some strange reason makes me sad and i cry, so I avoid it. My old Gp once said its my self destruct button, all this avoiding relaxation and not wanting to chill, doing everything all of the time! You avoid relaxing avoid making yourself happy…. He’s an idiot my gp! Gosh I even got a piano while I was overseas all set up at home for my return, so far all I’ve done is polish the damn thing, I could pick up a book, even google how to learn to play the damn piano – but do you think I can be bothered. Sitting here now and having written that, I bet I’d enjoy it, maybe if I can learn a tune in ten minutes perfectly no mistakes, I might feel good, but do you think I will, nope! I can barely put a sentence together without forgetting my words, let alone learn and remember notes, keys, left or right hand, Just don’t feel like it. Actually I think I’d rather dig a huge hole and fill it up again and re dig etc, than sit down and try to learn and remember and use my brain! My son is with me trying no Meds, my husband and girlfriend and one girlfriend is a psych secretary and is so trying to book me in for an appointment! Intell her no! I’m not going to! Meds! But she doesn’t get that! They say go back on Meds, it’s essential, life’s short, enjoy be happy whilst you’re here! It sure makes life easier for them with me on Meds! But really, I don’t want to, I think I’ll end up sicker, Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s, loose my mind if I keep going. Never get to retirement without being a quivering mass of uselessness, . Meds is wrong, they are ok to take long term with no nasty effects, what if these sights are weirdo sites and have it all wrong, they are safe, my gp and others say there are all safe??? What if they are really right? Are these symptoms I’m having just effects of coming off or is it the depression and bi polar coming back, what if my doctor was wrong and it’s not bi polar it’s just depression? How do you know what to do? Take them? Don’t take them? Take supplements? Do they work? Help? Or is that rubbish too? Will it pass? How do you know what to do? To make me better, to make me happy, to smile to laugh to feel something other than anger, to not cry, arghhhhh! How weird is it to be like this, so mixed up, I’m in hiding at the moment and probably will be for ages or until I have no option and get sprung. I could be loosing a few friends as they know I’m home but I haven’t been to visit and I don’t want them to visit me either – stay away everyone! I run indoors when a neighbour pulls up, I don’t want to pretend to be happy nice, you know that cheery woman at the the end of the street who helps everyone, rescues strays, looks after kids, always says hi how are you… I don’t want to pretend and do this anymore, I really want to say, go away, get lost, leave me alone, you don’t really care, leave me alone…. So What I do when a car pulls into the street, I hide and run for it. But hey, whatever! Bugger and now the family across the street has seen me with my new hair colour, and know it’s me, so I can’t hide under the sunglasses and dark hair anymore! They know! Going to have to change the colour again! I’ve been off of Prozac, 3 a day, getting higher doses each time I go see doc, so I don’t go see doc, she has no idea, just happily gives me this and this or that and that, basically I do it all myself, and she signs the script! Tells me never to come off them, how am I coping, I cry, I smile, she’s says times up, take these, see me in six months! Not good, but it works, until a month before I left with hubby for overseas, so now it’s been three months off completely, no sleeping pills, so no sleep, no Prozac, nothing. I’ve done the research and tried the vitamins, done heaps of research, tried the 5 HTP plus supplements to no effect, and now it’s just 4 St. John’s wort that my local pharmacist gave to my eldest son for me! I’m definitely not as wild as i was on arriving back home, but still feel like crap. Was that episode one of my downers? It’s been so long since I’ve not taken Meds I can’t remember how I go, or , and has it passed? I wonder if I’ll have another episode like the weeks of hell, or am I getting better with good ole St. John wort? If I am then it’s a miracle. I don’t see a psychiatrist, been there, seen it done it and it didn’t work, all I got was more Meds. So it’s just me and the boys and hounds at the moment, and a husband on the end of the phone! I wonder if I’m normal, are all people like this? I expect too much to be happy, to like things, to feel joy, have I ever felt this though, really? It’s been too and soooo long, I don’t know what is normal behaviour and emotions. Somehow I don’t think I have, maybe for a second, then it’s back to it. I was asked what makes me happy by a doc before I left when I went to get a years supply of ad to take overseas, what makes me happy he asks? I couldn’t name a damn thing and still can’t, I laughed the other day, then burst into tears, I could feel it welling up inside then bingo, out its pours and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it! My Achilles is still painful, so I’m still limping that’s another thing that stops me going for a walk, or does it? Just something else to moan about, rest it mum, ice it, stop doing stuff, yeah right that ain’t going to happen, oh Mimi I’m on the keyboard attacking it like a wood pecker! I knew I shouldn’t have started! I’m going to stop.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
November 2017
Categories |